Full Version: SPECIAL JOKES OF THE DAY
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential? "
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "
6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."
good jokes.....^_^
funny indeed, more please?
lol
good jokes friend... especially for a Anger Management
Hehe..
really funny
really funny
joke no. 2<=== 
hahahahaha lucu thu.....wakakakakakka
QUOTE
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....
Bad santa......
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."
very funny....thanks brother
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."
very funny....thanks brother
may we know the source you get all those from? they're just great for loosing my mind. hahahahha
hahahaha
nice jokes
HAHAHAH...4 & 5 beats the crap out of me ..
huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ... ha haha ................ah hah ahahah hahahah funy man I like it
good jokes. My fav is anger management. Hope my wife won't do it
thanks bro for the jokes...
it keeps me cool at 10:32 AM hehehe...
it keeps me cool at 10:32 AM hehehe...
gyahahahhaa
good jokes bro
good jokes bro
hahhahahahaha <= laugh in english i guest
oh..this some jokes!
Three Wishes
This little old lady was sitting on her front porch
in her rocking chair reflecting on her long life when
a fairy godmother approached her to grant her three
wishes.
"What would you like for your first wish, she said."
The little old lady said "I guess I'm like everyone
else, and would like to be rich." POOF-her rocking
chair turned into solid gold.
"And, for your second wish?" She said, "Well, again,
like everyone else, I wish I were young and beautiful."
POOF--she was turned into a beautiful young woman.
As she was trying to come up with her third wish, her
cat walked across the porch in front of her. "Ooh--
can you turn him into a handsome prince?" POOF--before
her eyes was the most handsome young man she had ever
seen.
She was sitting there all smitten--he smiled at her
with a smile that made her knees week. He slowly approached
her and whispered in her ear.
"I'll bet you're really pissed off that you had me neutered.
Submitted by Fag Stevens
Three Wishes
This little old lady was sitting on her front porch
in her rocking chair reflecting on her long life when
a fairy godmother approached her to grant her three
wishes.
"What would you like for your first wish, she said."
The little old lady said "I guess I'm like everyone
else, and would like to be rich." POOF-her rocking
chair turned into solid gold.
"And, for your second wish?" She said, "Well, again,
like everyone else, I wish I were young and beautiful."
POOF--she was turned into a beautiful young woman.
As she was trying to come up with her third wish, her
cat walked across the porch in front of her. "Ooh--
can you turn him into a handsome prince?" POOF--before
her eyes was the most handsome young man she had ever
seen.
She was sitting there all smitten--he smiled at her
with a smile that made her knees week. He slowly approached
her and whispered in her ear.
"I'll bet you're really pissed off that you had me neutered.
Submitted by Fag Stevens
oh..i forgot to tell you all that this jokes come form my mailing list so it is not my original..pardon me!
Birds and the Bees
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about
the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding
and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa
Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth
Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups
don't really fish, I've got nothing left to believe
in!"
Submitted by Ruck
===========================
Hookers & Drug Dealers
Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A: Hookers only have to wash their crack to resell it!
Submitted by Merv
=======================
Nicole and Ron
Q: What did Nicole Brown Simpson say to Ron Goldman?
A: Okay, you can eat my pussy, but the juice might kill
you.
==============================
Breasts and Trains
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets
at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but
the father wants to play with them.
===============================
.....o0h..and the mailing list name is zooass.com...if anyone interested!
Birds and the Bees
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about
the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding
and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa
Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth
Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups
don't really fish, I've got nothing left to believe
in!"
Submitted by Ruck
===========================
Hookers & Drug Dealers
Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A: Hookers only have to wash their crack to resell it!
Submitted by Merv
=======================
Nicole and Ron
Q: What did Nicole Brown Simpson say to Ron Goldman?
A: Okay, you can eat my pussy, but the juice might kill
you.
==============================
Breasts and Trains
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets
at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but
the father wants to play with them.
===============================
.....o0h..and the mailing list name is zooass.com...if anyone interested!
Martinis
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar,
and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he
finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket,
then he orders the bartender to prepare another double
martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks
inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to
bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look,
buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. Bust
you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket
before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm
peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, then I know it's time to go home."
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar,
and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he
finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket,
then he orders the bartender to prepare another double
martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks
inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to
bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look,
buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. Bust
you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket
before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm
peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, then I know it's time to go home."
Limbless on the Beach
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach
one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of
a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You
poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed
have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends
down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.
"You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great
one, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks
by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks
down at him.
"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
==================================
Wishful Rubbing
A few months after his parents were divorced, little
Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing
her body and moaning, "I need a man! I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this
several times. One day, he came home from school and
heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom,
he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into
his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his
bed, started stroking himself, and moaning:
"Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"
===========================
Ru-Ru
One day, there were three guys exploring the rain forest
when they were attacked by a group of natives. The three
men were taken back to the chieftan to recieve their
punishments.
The chieftan gave them two choices: Death or Ru-Ru.
The first guy stepped forward and said, "Well, I know
what death is, so I'm gonna take Ru-Ru." The chieftan
raised his mighty hand and said, "He chose Ru-Ru!" Half
of the tribe came out and raped him half to death.
The second guy said, "I too know what death is, and
that doesn't seem too bad, so I'm going with Ru-Ru."
The chieftan raised his mighty hand and said, "He chose
Ru-Ru!" The other half of the tribe came out and raped
him half to death.
The third guy, disgusted with this, stepped forward
and exclaimed, "I'm not into any of this pussy shit!
I'm gonna take it like a man! I choose death!" So,
the chieftan raised his mighty hand and said, "He chose
death! Death by Ru-Ru!"
====================================
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach
one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of
a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You
poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed
have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends
down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.
"You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great
one, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks
by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks
down at him.
"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
==================================
Wishful Rubbing
A few months after his parents were divorced, little
Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing
her body and moaning, "I need a man! I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this
several times. One day, he came home from school and
heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom,
he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into
his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his
bed, started stroking himself, and moaning:
"Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"
===========================
Ru-Ru
One day, there were three guys exploring the rain forest
when they were attacked by a group of natives. The three
men were taken back to the chieftan to recieve their
punishments.
The chieftan gave them two choices: Death or Ru-Ru.
The first guy stepped forward and said, "Well, I know
what death is, so I'm gonna take Ru-Ru." The chieftan
raised his mighty hand and said, "He chose Ru-Ru!" Half
of the tribe came out and raped him half to death.
The second guy said, "I too know what death is, and
that doesn't seem too bad, so I'm going with Ru-Ru."
The chieftan raised his mighty hand and said, "He chose
Ru-Ru!" The other half of the tribe came out and raped
him half to death.
The third guy, disgusted with this, stepped forward
and exclaimed, "I'm not into any of this pussy shit!
I'm gonna take it like a man! I choose death!" So,
the chieftan raised his mighty hand and said, "He chose
death! Death by Ru-Ru!"
====================================
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
How can u tell when a man is Finished fishING from the back ...!
He will TAP on ur ASS with his SOFT Dick & ask Was it GOOD BABY!
He will TAP on ur ASS with his SOFT Dick & ask Was it GOOD BABY!
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
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MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the School."
MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
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MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the School."
heard this one before.
but still funny
good job
but still funny
good job
Hahhaa,,Good one
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
I bet you'll never get the sex at all, man. 
how hillarious!the score now is 1-1!and they're definitely break up!
QUOTE (virgin_hunter @ Jul 10 2008, 05:24 PM) 
how hillarious!the score now is 1-1!and they're definitely break up!
hehehe....scores?..let me say something about it!
man ask a women to be his GF..it's 1:0, man's win!, he is definitely can say what he is thinking
woman accept it 2:0, win again!
man break up with that girl 3:0
woman break up it's 2:1
final scores...2:1 we still win..so woamn why don't you express your self a little bit clearly..so te scores 2ill get 2:2...hehehehe
Yeah man. Totally support you.
hilarious
hahaha
is that really happen to you bro pikolo? or it is just a filosophy
Indeed you are smarter than her.
it just a story i believe, the man should dump her earlier when he realize he couldn't score!
QUOTE
'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
QUOTE
Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?
is she stupid or what? IMO , he ain't smarter , but she's just a real jackass if she's angry by such a no-different reply .
Splendid Bro...
i think both are being jackass, however in short term, the girl win, but in the long term, the man win (yes, I said Girl and Man, not Woman and Man or Girl and Boy).
it happens to me too bro..the sex part,,not the shopping...sometime when this shit happened, i would wait her to sleep, then i rape her while she sleep...wakakaka..
QUOTE (x-men @ Jul 18 2008, 02:08 AM)
it happens to me too bro..the sex part,,not the shopping...sometime when this shit happened, i would wait her to sleep, then i rape her while she sleep...wakakaka..
wow...
carefull man..death penaltry now for rapist!..hehehehe 
meaning of WIFE, he... he
indonesian tourist
burglar: Hey you asian! gimme your money,or I'll kill you
tourist : EE, delicious aja..you think easy find money? half dead find money,you delicious delicious aja ask!!
burglar: ??
translation:
rampok: hey orang asia, serahkan uangmu atau kubunuh!
tourist : EE,enak aja, kamu pikir gampang cari uang? setengah mati cari uang,kamu enak2 aja minta!!
burglar: ??
so, don't throw rubbish every where, heart heart on street......
Well, at least the tourist tried to communicate. But we Indonesians aren't all that bad, do we?
Give us more of you funny jokes, brother!
hehe...of course.. but I still remember my Grandpa when once went to Dutch (Netherland) for a few days.
He said proudly that he knew the meaning of the word "Dank U". it means 'trash bin'
because on every trash bin in Netherland he always saw these words..
I almost give up trying to explain him that 'Dank U' means 'Thank You'...
He said proudly that he knew the meaning of the word "Dank U". it means 'trash bin'
because on every trash bin in Netherland he always saw these words..
I almost give up trying to explain him that 'Dank U' means 'Thank You'...
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