I'll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

The preacher buys a parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

A sudden change of mind

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

A man is almost about to die

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

May I borrow your dog for a few days?

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

This wife is too jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Have long marriages

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

oh..ok this is mine

Japaneses tourist

one day a japanese tourist goes to New York, after a long day of sight seeing he saw man, with glasses on! jump off from a 10 story building and bam!, crash the street, nothing happened with that, and then the man entering the same building, go to top and jump again, the man do that for 25 times, wow! said the japaneese, how can you do that? the man reply this is new york bro!, whenever you enter new york you can do that!, the japaneese wondering, and decide to give it a try, BAM!...he crashlanded and broke at all part of his body!....a grandma who watches that with her grandson say "see? i told you, event Superman!, can be a bad ass as your father when he is drunk!

Hi all, it's one of my favourite joke, enjoy..

Need Directions?

A minister arrived in a small midwestern town to assume his new duties as the church leader.

Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, the minister thanked him and said, "If you'll come by the church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

correct me if i'm wrong!...hehehehe

Useless Facts VI

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never
do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust
their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

67.5% of men wear briefs.

The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago
it was a 34B.

85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order
with singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's
homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from
a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters
to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

29% of us are virgins when we marry.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an
item.

Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over
2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon
their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from
the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup
on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

62% of us pop our zits.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

The average girl starts her period at age 12.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement
home.

46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find
it up.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

23.5% admit they don't always flush.

45.2% pee in the shower.

44.9% pee in the ocean.

28.1% pee in the pool.

55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while
they're using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17%
have been caught by the host.

81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their
VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for
a night for a million bucks.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook
and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary
(mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite
sex.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best
friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's
hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front
of them.

25% of us drive after we've been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's
4".

56% of men have had sex at work.

1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.

62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.

60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm r unning out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answ ered..'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn .'
Submitted by RN no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Good job bro, nice post

This is a personal jokes of Mine

In the interview room of International IT software company there's a man being interviewed by Human resources officer,
the man actually was an indonesian but trying to make his way in other country
HR Officer : Do you have any problems in foreign language ?
The man : No sir, I speak english fluently both oral and written
HR Officer : How about Java ?
The man : That's hardly a problem for me Sir , I speak java everyday . I use java at home sometimes at school too
HR officer : ????

wkakakakak...all af these are very funny....

heheheh..nice funniest jokes....

Hwahaha..keep post mate, it makes me laugh