Do you have some English’s jokes? If it so, post it here and we will see who has the funniest jokes..
I hope this is not the wrong room, because I’ve seen in the Humor and Cartoon section there are no English’s jokes back there, so I guess it will be good if we have one particular thread here…

I will start you off…..
• President Bush is so stupid; he tried to hide in a corner in the Oval Office.

• Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

• A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Let's see yours bro.........

hakzhakz.. i've read the pharmacist b4..
but still..

There is a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living
with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has
ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one
year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture
was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the
baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that
time?
WITNESS: Uh....


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on
dead people.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS: Huh?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and
practicing law.

Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training
Before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr. Clinton would say, "I am fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we the translators, will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is ............ ....
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."
Then there was a long silent moment, in the meeting room.

Visa Interview in Arabia :

> Consul : What is your name?
> Arab: Aziz
>
> Consul: Sex?
> Arab : Six to ten times a week
>
> Consul: I mean, male or female?
> Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even
> camels.
>
> Consul: Holy cow!
> Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
>
> Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
> Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style
>
> Consul: Oh..........dear!
> Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast[/size]

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Military warnings

Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Missing Spy

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Evans and that he's somewhere in Wales. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Wales and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the barman, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Evans."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Evans. There's Evans the Baker, who runs the bakers shop on the next block. There's Evans the Banker, who's manager of our local bank. There's Evans the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Evans, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the barman, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Evans the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foul Mouths
__________

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Going to Heaven
__________________

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven...so he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan didnt answer it correctly the person can go to Heaven.

So the first person tries. He was a Mathematician, and he gave Satan a very tough maths formula. But Satan solved it in no time. So the mathematician goes to Hell...

The second person, who happens to be a scientist, gave it a try. He asked Satan to prove a very difficult Science question involving quantum theory and Newton's law and watever sh*t in between. Once again Satan managed to answer correctly, so the man goes to Hell...*haiz*..*sad*...

The last guy goes forward. He was a ~Censored~, so Satan laughed at him. Nontheless, he asked to be given a chair and an electric drill, and he was given those things. So he drilled five identical holes in a circle in the middle of the chair, sat on the chair and farted.

He asked Satan, "Which hole did I fart through?"

Satan examined the chair and measured the diameter of every hole. He turned the chair in everyway possible. Finally he said exasperated, "this hole", pointing to the fifth hole.

"Wrong!!...haha..i farted through my A55HOLE!!!.... I go to Heaven!!!".....

^
wkakkak...

that's funny thepharmachist ohboy!!!!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"




"Because you got an F in sex."

asli, ngakak terus aku bacanya!

java script:add_smilie(":Applause:","smid_75")
Applause.gifjava script:add_smilie(":smile_anim:","smid_170")
:smile_anim:java script:add_smilie(":smile_anim:","smid_170")

"Because you got an F in sex."

Wakakakaka
asli ngakak baca ini

yang orang arab juga kacau

trus yang "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." wakakakakak

ama yang jaksa yang terakhir

bro this is English talk...the rule says u have to reply using English...please dont repeat it again or I'll have to warn you. Thx

Regards

-EmFeld-

There was a guy who had a girl friend name Wendy. He love Wendy so much until he made a tattoo of Wendy's name on his penis. So when he erect, can see Wendy so beautifully. But when normal only can see the letter W & Y other letters can't see because his penis shrink.
One day he went to Jamaica for vacation alone. And he vist one nude beach (it's very common in Jamaica). In nude beach, of course he had to be nude also. So he walking by the beach nudely. After sometime, he felt very thirsty. So he went to a bar.
At the bar he met a Jamaican guy drinking whisky and he saw his penis also have the letter W&Y.
So he very exicited and greet the man:
Man : "Hi Man, how are u???
Jamaican : "Very good bro... How about u?
M : Same also very good. Great view here... I can see u also have tattoo on ur penis. Same with me and same W&Y also.Mine is stand for Wendy. Yours stand for what?
J : Man, I'm working in Jamaican leisure department, so I tattoo my penis as Jamaican leisure department slogan
M : What's the slogan????
J : "WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A GOOD DAY"

@bro Emfeld

Sorry, i deeply apologize
But I just forget to use english bcause the jokes are really funny (an excuse)
Look above, other member doing that so
But I will not to repeated this mistake again
Thanks 4 the warn bro Emfeld

@krakatoo good one bro..

keep on running guys..very entertaining

The Poor Guy Jokes makes me can't stop laughing...

it was Hillarious...

Great jokes Bros..

i got some.....

Teacher : History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student : Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher : Why?
Student : There is no future in it.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........

Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I
know the right answer?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Teacher : Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man U fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Liverpool fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Liverpool fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Man U fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Arsenal fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Arsenal fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Please tie the Man U fan to my back."

The Real Test…

A first-grade teacher, Ms Reen was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Ali what is your problem?”

Ali answered, “I’m too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

Ms Reen had enough.

She took Ali to the principal’s office.

While Ali waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Reen he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed.

Ali was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Ali: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Ali: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Reen and tells her, “I think Ali can go to the third-grade.”

Ms Reen says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”

The principal and Ali both agree.

Ms Reen asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Ali, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Reen: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Ali: “Pockets.”

Ms Reen: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Ali: Coconut

Ms Reen: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, But Ali was taking charge.

Ali: Bubblegum

Ms Reen: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…

Ali: Shake hands.

Ms Reen: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Ms Reen: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Ali: Tent.

Ms Reen: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Ali: Wedding Ring.

Ms Reen: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Ali: Nose.

Ms Reen: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Ali: Arrow.

Ms Reen: What word starts with and ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Ali: Fire truck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

“Send Ali to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”

-->>> i also got the last ten questions wrong hehehe

WOW!!! Smart Ali.... nice answers....

@Unholy.. keep posting... waiting for your next jokes...

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

--->>> got it?

got another 1

Biology Lessons


The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"


Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye!"

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

CONFUSING ENGLISH

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? Grin

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Tongue

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? :unsure:

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker? Tongue

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to Make terrible? :o

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do Bars have parking lots? Grin

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around Several times, does he become disoriented? Roll Eyes

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???





Get Back to WORK !

ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

hehe....nice to read your jokes, mr unholy..

Meatballs

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

Can't Speak

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.

The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

Little Birdie

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

A pretty young girl, who got a fever, went to the Hospital to get medical treatment. After meeting with a doctor and have a short consultation, the doctor asks the girl to lie down on the bed. The doctor begins his diagnosis by checking girl’s body temperature using a thermometer.


Doctor : Could you hold this thermometer using your armpit so we can find out your actual temp.

Girl : Okay…

The girl put the thermo. Into her armpit and hold it for one minute and then the doctor read the result. Somehow, he looks not sure with the reading.

Doctor : The temp. reading from your armpit seems not valid, let try once again in another location just to make sure. My suggestion is put this thermo in your mouth which probably will give us more accurate reading...

Girl : No problem…

The girl takes the thermo and put it into her mouth. After a couple minutes, the doctor read the result, but he still looks not sure with the reading. He shake the thermo to check whether it still working or not. But he found the thermo still functioning.

Doctor : hmmm… it’s a rare case. Both of your armpit and mouth didn’t represent your actual temperature. We have to do “ultimate” check…

Girl : What that’s means doc. ? (a little bit confuse)

Doctor : That’s means, we will obtain your temperature from another part of your body which have a constant temperature.

Girl : Where is it doc ?

Doctor : Anal check.. We have no other choice, anyhow this is for diagnosis purpose only…

Girl : Hmm… okay (sigh and wary)

Doctor : Good. Please now take off your pants and lie down on your stomach..

The girl follows doctor’s instructions. After a few seconds..

Girl : Ougghh… Doc… that’s not my anal hole… (groaning)

Doctor : Its Okay, this is not my “thermometer” either.

Girl : ???

That is one hell of a joke!!The first time I laughed really hard since I opened this post!!
Maybe that's because I'm one of Arsenal fans who dissapointed in their performance in the 2nd
leg of this season...
Cheers, mate!!

keep posting bro,... could'nt wait to see the next one

A clip of Gabriel Iglesias (drink driving) check it out in youtube:
u know when u are drunk, n u hear the magical sound of police cars, u either think 'im okay, im finee, ohh i can beat this!' or u would quickly think that 'ohh im gonna go to jail' n make a call 'baby,i love ya baby,im gonna go to jail'.
if u could make d police laugh, u may have a chance so i propose to u that u should have a little fun n stop ur car as slowly as u can..then when u stopped, u could try doing this, take off ur seat belts, n move away from the drivers seat to the passengers seat, n tie ur seatbelts at the passenger seat. oh make sure u have tainted windows too.. so when the cop came n flash the torchlight into ur car, they will be bewildered as they cant find anyone driving at d drivers seat..
Cop: where the hell's the driver?
u: i don't know where he went.. he was here a while ago..
cop: were u the one driving?
u: excuse me? what?? me drive??? oh helll no!! im fcked up (Drunk).
to be continue..watch the youtube yo ^

or another version:
i was caught one day after driving thru a krispy kreme driveaway with my sets of donuts. instead of making a left turn, i made a right turn..n then the magical sound came from the back of my car. i was like, (talkin to the donuts) darnn u gonna get it at home!
then the cops took longer than ever to come to my car, so i decided to grab the donut box n have a delicious sip. n u know when the cop came, the usual words that they always say, ' DO U KNOW WHY I STOPPED U?',

n spontaneously i told him 'CAUSE U CAN SMELL IT!!' while lifting the donut box towards his nose..
this was an extract of one of gabriel iglesias clip. the one on the mexicans hotel thingy with felipe is funny as hell too, never laughed that loud, n moreover hes so fat that his funny actions seems natural.
He also mentioned that for the record hes not fat, hes fluffy.fluffy is one of d levels
there are 5 level of fatness:
big, healthy, husky, fluffy and... DAMNN!!! n hes still number four.

contoh youtube clip:

wa...ka...kaa.....

all jokes are funny

please.....another story

haha.. nice.. more jokes pls

LOL....the diorder in American court is hilarious

SAKIT PERUT

up up! come on, anyone else adding?? =D

Arriving home very drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

I didn't get any money this time

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

You can't bring that dog in this bar

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

They're boasting about race records

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."